#notyourfathersbedtimestories

Cat Wars: The Battle of the Milky Way

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Cat Wars pic 1

In a feline domain far, far away, two rival cats are up to their old tricks.

Jedi Yarny is strutting down the aisle of the mother ship (a.k.a., the living room) when a ball of yarn rolls past him.

“The Force has awakened my favorite knot of red string,” says he with widened eyes. “Maybe I should play with it?”

Jedi Yarny pounces on the ball, and as he wrestles with the string, he hears a loud, “BEEP – BEEP – BEEP …”

“Oh, no, it’s a bomb!” he meows.

“No, sir,” says a Storm Trooper mouse appearing from its hideout behind Mother Snoke’s throne (a.k.a., the couch). “It’s just the tea kettle sounding off. Your milk is ready.”

“Of course,” says Jedi Yarny. He tosses the ball of yarn aside and prances out of the living room with a raised tail.

Inside the kitchen, a bowl of warm milk awaits the Jedi knight kitty along with his nemesis, Sith Purr.

“I hope you enjoy this concoction I asked Mother Snoke to prepare for you,” says Sith Purr with a smirk.

“Hmmmm … looks tasty,” says Jedi Yarny. “How gracious of you — a rare treat.”

“Indeed, Jedi.”

Sith Yarny sips the milk and is quickly overcome with gas.

“What’s this?!” he howls.

“Just some whole milk to throw off your bowels,” says Sith Purr. “Ha, ha, ha! Haven’t you heard? Jedi cats should only drink skim milk.”

“How dare you betray my butt!” hisses Jedi Yarny as he farts his way to the lavatory (a.k.a., litter box). “This Force never ends … ahhh … diarrhea!”

*

A few days later …

Jedi Yarny watches his plan unfold from the rebel’s outpost (a.k.a., the love seat). Sith Purr naps by his side.

Through the window, Jedi Yarny sees the deliveryman arrive.

“Just in time,” says the feline.

Jedi Yarny watches Mother Snoke unpack a scratching post. When she is finished, she returns to her master’s chamber.

Jedi Yarny fumbles through the closet. He adds a secret surprise to his rival’s present.

“Rise and shine, my Sith overlord,” says Jedi Yarny as his nemesis awakens. “The Force bears you a gift.”

“A scratching post, yippie!” says his lordship, tackling the furniture piece. As he tumbles on top, a light dusting of itching powder rises into the air, smothering the Sith kitty.

“Wait … what’s this?!” his lordship yowls, scratching himself silly.

“A little something to remind you who loves you, my friend,” says Jedi Yarny with a grin. “Now, we’re even.”

“More like even … for now!” Sith Purr hisses as he retreats into Mother Snoke’s chamber.

*

Stay tuned for the next episode of Cat Wars, featuring Luke Mousey and Darth Feline in “The Battle of the Cheese.”

 

How to Spot a Demon

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Demons_LI

Often, when we think of sneaky creatures, witches come to mind. We see them all the time on TV shows and in movies.

They are nasty old ladies who like to cause mischief to children with their spells.

However, people should really be scared of demons. They’re not as popular on TV shows and in movies, but they are actually out there and ready to strike!

Above is a picture with a question: Which one is a demon?

In other words, who’s really dangerous, the one on the left or the one on the right?

The one on the left IS a demon. She looks sweet and innocent when in fact she is vicious and will drown you with sorrows, especially if she casts a spell on you, like she did to the one on the right.

The one on the right looks scary with her red skin and pointy tail, but she’s actually a poor girl trapped in a demon’s body.

If you were fooled, you’re probably not alone. Remember, demons are clever!

Be smart and look for these signs of demons when you’re going about your daily business:

  • Demons disguised as people have black eyes.
  • It’s well known that demons can transform into animals, but they can also turn into plants.
  • If you see a plant with black tar on it, it’s probably a demon.
  • Beware: Demons like to bite!
  • They fight dirty, with their teeth and tails.
  • Demons love the smell of fear.
  • One way to keep demons away is to overcome your worst fear.
  • Most important: Demons hate hugs!

Blackhound: An Origin Story

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Blackhound

Life isn’t always cotton candy and rainbows.

I have proof.

One day I heard a scratch on my bedroom window. I opened it, and a wolf leaped out of the bushes and scratched my hand! I ran to my mom, crying, but there was nothing she could do. The wolf was gone, and I started to change.

By the time I was 11, I grew wolf ears; by the time I was 12, wolf fangs. It didn’t take long to figure out I was a werewolf. As the rage grew in my veins, I grew stronger.

One morning, I put on a hoodie as usual and went to school. I sat in my seat, but behind me was a girl who hated me. In front of the class, she pulled off my hoodie!

The teacher saw my snout and called 9-1-1. The police arrived. They saw me, but I guess they were scared, because they called the military.

Five Years Later

I am trapped in a military weapon center. My blood is used for rocket fuel.

One day, a terrorist bombed the center where I have been imprisoned to take the military’s guns. In the process, the terrorist freed me.

I was never heard from again, or so people around the world thought.

One Year Later

Now I live under a tree in tunnels that include an over-sized computer, a kitchen, video games, and a hot tub. It’s pretty cool, even if it is a bit lonely at times. I visit my family at night under the cover of the moon. That way, the military doesn’t know we keep in touch and leaves them alone.

Recently, I was inside a convenience store buying Cheetos when I saw a bad guy waving a gun and yelling at the checkout clerk. The bad guy wanted the store’s money, but the clerk refused to give it.

Luckily, my fur camouflaged me with the wall.

The bad guy shot. I sprang from the wall and caught the bullet with my teeth.

I tripped the bad guy as he tried to run away.

While I pinned him to the ground, he looked up at me and asked, “Who are you?”

I didn’t want to give myself away, so I made up a name.

“I’m … Ms. Black.”

“Well … you don’t strike me as a miss … but you are dark … and besides, you look more like a hound,” he said —

I saw fear growing in his veins.

“You’re that werewolf!”

“I sure am, so call me Blackhound,” I said.

He swallowed.

“… yes … sir.”

Ever since then, I have gained respect from people around the world for helping them when they’re in trouble. Bad things might have happened to me, but I make sure better things happen to others.

Chapter 4: Uncle Jake’s Visit

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Doom Clown princess

Jack and Ryan were concerned because Uncle Jake was coming to visit, and they didn’t want Doom Clown to ruin their fun with him.

There was a knock on the door.

“Hey, kids, guess who?”

It was Uncle Jake!

Behind the door, Doom Clown stood with a knife, ready to surprise him.

Jack opened the door, and the two brothers quickly dragged Jake through the living room into their bedroom closet.

“Well, I’m glad to see you guys, too, but you hurt my arm … and how about a hug? And what’s with all the secrecy?”

“Shush!” Jack said. “Sorry about the arm, and here’s a hug.”

Both boys embraced their uncle.

“But we’ve got a problem,” Ryan said. “There’s a homicidal clown running around the house, and we need you to help us stop him!”

At that moment, there was a scream.

Autumn, the boys’ little sister, was in trouble. Or so they thought.

They ran to her bedroom and found Doom Clown, seated at her bureau, screaming like a girl.

Autumn was putting makeup on him, making him look like a princess.

Doom Clown looked pretty. And terrified.

“Now’s our chance!” Jack said. “Go for it, Uncle!”

Jake hesitated.

“Well, this isn’t really my style, but she is kind of cute … hey, lady, are you single?”

“What?” Ryan said. “This ain’t no time for shenanigans … Get him!”

“That’s a HIM?” Jake said.

“Yes, and he’s a maniac!” Jack said. “Stop him!”

“Fat chance, suckers!” Doom Clown said.

He pressed a button on his watch and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

“Oh, no, he escaped!” Ryan said.

“Ha, ha, ha!” Doom Clown said.

But when the smoke cleared, they realized he hadn’t escaped at all.

He was stuck. In the mirror.

“Oh, no!” said Doom Clown. “I must have pressed the wrong button on this darn watch …”

“Lucky us,” Jake said. “Looks like we get the last laugh, after all.”

“Maybe, this time,” said Doom Clown.

The mirror swirled in smoke and his face faded in the darkness.

“But I’ll be back … I’LL BE BACK!”

Chapter 3: The Biggest Regret

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biggestregret

A boy named Ryan climbed into the attic, his favorite place. On a shelf, Ryan saw a book called, Doom Clown: The Worst Joker.

“Read me,” said a voice coming from the book.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“If you say ‘Doom Clown’ three times, I will be free and yours to read and make you laugh foreverrrr and everrrr.”

Ryan ran downstairs to his brother Jack’s bedroom to tell him what happened.

Jack said, “I bet that clown’s not very funny. Say his name three times, and let’s see what happens.”

Ryan said, “No, you!”

“Fine, scaredy cat,” Jack said, and he repeated ‘Doom Clown’ three times.

They heard a thump in the attic, and then a scratch on the door.

Jack opened the door, and there was Doom Clown, with a scary smile.

“Thanks, little boys!” he said. “Come closer, and give me a hug!”

Jack and Ryan screamed and ran.