What Cats Do When People Aren’t Watching

Shiva having coffee

Ever wonder what cats do when people are asleep or away from home? I know many of the things they do because I’m a cat.

Yeah, that’s right, I can type, too … begwlfhwelijfiekhfahfl!

Right now, I’m sipping my person’s coffee. She’s going to be so mad! Anywho, here’s the story about what I did yesterday.

I got a message from the mail mouse. Mail mice are the only ones we don’t chase … sometimes. All right, I chase them all the time! Well, let’s get back to the story. After he escaped, I read the letter which told me to go to the Chatsworth Cat Complaint Office (behind the sushi restaurant down the street). My person left a few minutes ago, so I dashed out of the cat door and down the road.

I was tired when I finally arrived at the Cat Complaint Office. A cat with white fur and green eyes sat behind a laptop (she probably took it from her owner).

“Any complaints?” she asked.

A cat with a blue collar raised her paw.

“How will we defeat the evil red dot? It zigzags all over the place. It has to be planning something!”

The white cat made a note.

“Any other questions, or complaints?”

A cat stepped forward.

“How will we save the people trapped inside the rectangle and controlled by the stick with buttons?”

I looked around and asked, “Where’s Pepper?”

The white cat sighed.

“She was taken to … the vet.”

A kitten fainted as we all gasped.

The white cat said, “I know, the vets are evil! Sorry, it’s the end of today’s cat complaint session. I’ll share your concerns with Mayor Fluffy Pants.”

As I trotted back to the house, some animal rescue people started to chase me. I checked my neck for my collar, but it wasn’t there! Just then, my person drove by without noticing me. I jumped onto the back of the car and waited for it to park. Then, I carefully hopped off and went into the neighbor’s yard. I climbed on the gate, went through the window and landed on the bed.

My owner came into the room.

“Were you sleeping here all day? Don’t worry, I’ll take you out for a walk …”

Nooooo!

Now you know one of the things cats do when people aren’t watching. They complain to Mayor Fluffy Pants.

Sorry to those cats reading this. (Cats can read, too).

I just couldn’t keep the news to myself any longer!

“Who drank my coffee?!”

Got to go, bye!

Cat Wars: The Battle for El Queso

Cat Wars Battle For El Queso pic

“Snack time!” says the Supreme Leader.

“I sense a disturbance in the Force,” says Darth Feline, rising up from his seat on the living room couch. The whiskers of the fearsome calico twitch as he sniffs the air. “Hmmmm … cheese … yummy.”

Darth Feline hops from the couch and dashes toward the kitchen. There, he finds the Supreme Leader making a phone call.

“Let’s re-schedule next week, Mom,” says she, her tall legs nearly tripping over her house pet.

“Meow!” hollers Darth Feline, barely avoiding her foot to his mouth.

“Oh, sorry, Darth!” says the Supreme Leader, reaching down and petting him behind his ears.

Darth Feline enjoys a brief consolation rub, and then the Overlord exits the kitchen.

Alone, the calico sighs. He leaps onto a chair and peers over the tabletop. Unfortunately, he is not alone. His rival, Luke Mousy, stands proudly on a chunk of cheese.

“Paws off, Jedi!” Darth Feline hisses. “I won’t fall for another one of your mind tricks!”

“Of course you will, you always do,” says Luke Mousy, scooping a piece of cheese and popping it into his mouth. “How can you resist? I stand for truth, justice … and delicious morsels!”

“In that case, maybe I’ll enjoy two tasty treats today,” says Darth Feline, drawing his red lightsaber, peering closely at the house mouse. “Fine, let’s do things your way … the hard way.”

”Isn’t there a cheesy way?” says Luke Mousy, drawing his green lightsaber. “I’d love to do it that way!”

“Not for you, squeaky thief!” says Darth Feline, swinging.

Luke Mousy flips off of the chunk of cheese and lands on the tabletop. He slices off one of Darth Feline’s whiskers.

“Ahhhh!” hollers Darth Feline, falling off the chair onto the floor.

The feisty cat and mouse embark on an epic rumble, sending themselves and kitchen appliances to all corners of the galaxy.

At last, Luke Mousy retreats to his rebel base, a hole in the wall. Before he disappears into the darkness, he hears a scream. He turns to see the Supreme Leader looming over Darth Feline, scolding him with a pointy finger.

“What happened in here?” she shouts. “This place is a mess! Why can’t I ever leave you alone with food?”

Darth Feline raises his paws helplessly.

“Meow,” he says.

Luke Mousy grins as he licks a crumb of cheese from his claws.

He loves getting Darth Feline in trouble.

Cat Wars: The Battle of the Milky Way

 

Cat Wars pic 1

In a feline domain far, far away, two rival cats are up to their old tricks.

Jedi Yarny is strutting down the aisle of the mother ship (a.k.a., the living room) when a ball of yarn rolls past him.

“The Force has awakened my favorite knot of red string,” says he with widened eyes. “Maybe I should play with it?”

Jedi Yarny pounces on the ball, and as he wrestles with the string, he hears a loud, “BEEP – BEEP – BEEP …”

“Oh, no, it’s a bomb!” he meows.

“No, sir,” says a Storm Trooper mouse appearing from its hideout behind Mother Snoke’s throne (a.k.a., the couch). “It’s just the tea kettle sounding off. Your milk is ready.”

“Of course,” says Jedi Yarny. He tosses the ball of yarn aside and prances out of the living room with a raised tail.

Inside the kitchen, a bowl of warm milk awaits the Jedi knight kitty along with his nemesis, Sith Purr.

“I hope you enjoy this concoction I asked Mother Snoke to prepare for you,” says Sith Purr with a smirk.

“Hmmmm … looks tasty,” says Jedi Yarny. “How gracious of you — a rare treat.”

“Indeed, Jedi.”

Sith Yarny sips the milk and is quickly overcome with gas.

“What’s this?!” he howls.

“Just some whole milk to throw off your bowels,” says Sith Purr. “Ha, ha, ha! Haven’t you heard? Jedi cats should only drink skim milk.”

“How dare you betray my butt!” hisses Jedi Yarny as he farts his way to the lavatory (a.k.a., litter box). “This Force never ends … ahhh … diarrhea!”

*

A few days later …

Jedi Yarny watches his plan unfold from the rebel’s outpost (a.k.a., the love seat). Sith Purr naps by his side.

Through the window, Jedi Yarny sees the deliveryman arrive.

“Just in time,” says the feline.

Jedi Yarny watches Mother Snoke unpack a scratching post. When she is finished, she returns to her master’s chamber.

Jedi Yarny fumbles through the closet. He adds a secret surprise to his rival’s present.

“Rise and shine, my Sith overlord,” says Jedi Yarny as his nemesis awakens. “The Force bears you a gift.”

“A scratching post, yippie!” says his lordship, tackling the furniture piece. As he tumbles on top, a light dusting of itching powder rises into the air, smothering the Sith kitty.

“Wait … what’s this?!” his lordship yowls, scratching himself silly.

“A little something to remind you who loves you, my friend,” says Jedi Yarny with a grin. “Now, we’re even.”

“More like even … for now!” Sith Purr hisses as he retreats into Mother Snoke’s chamber.

*

Stay tuned for the next episode of Cat Wars, featuring Luke Mousey and Darth Feline in “The Battle of the Cheese.”

 

Cinderella Lies

cinderella.jpeg

Imagine a world where princesses aren’t what they seem, and life is far from a fairy tale.

For example, Cinderella. According to the popular legend, she was a victim of abuse by a cruel stepmother and stepsisters, but what if I told you Cinderella wasn’t mistreated by anyone whom she herself didn’t mistreat?

What if I told you Cinderella never really fell in love with anyone, either, especially a prince?

The truth is, Cinderella only loved herself.

After her mother died, she gladly stepped into her mother’s shoes ordering around the servants.

I was one of them. One day, I dared to ask for a day off.

“My dear Cinderella, I have toiled away for you as long as I remember, preparing your meals, washing your clothes and tending to your needs, even while neglecting the needs of my own children,” I said while painting her nails in the powder room. “My husband cares for my son and daughter as well as he can, but my darlings are growing up fast, you see, and I miss them so … so … so might I spend tomorrow with my family, oh pretty pleeeeeeease?”

“And neglect me?” said Cinderella, blowing her golden fingernails dry. “Oh, poor you, how dreary life must be! Torn between your duties as a servant and impulses as a mother. Let me end your suffering –”

“Thank you!” I said, kissing her hand.

“Don’t thank me yet,” she said, yanking her hand from me. “I’ll be back soon.”

Cinderella withdrew a sack of coins from her safe and left by carriage to town. When she returned, I met her in the foyer.

I stood shocked as she explained that she had arranged with the local magistrate for my children to be thrown into prison.

“Problem solved!” said Cinderella, brushing her hands of the issue. “You never have to worry about those meddlesome ankle-biters again! They will have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, and your husband can live a life of leisure, which I’m sure he deserves, having suffered you and your lot plenty.”

Cinderella chuckled.

“Perhaps now he can marry a woman of standing, like me,” she said, “and you can focus your attention on us.”

My heart filled with anguish; my head, dizziness. I felt like a sack of dirt ready to fall to the floor.

“But … but … such a life, separated from my family, is not why I toil here in this mansion!” I cried. “I toil so that my family and I might have a better life, together. How dare you come between us … you … you … cruel snickerdoodle!”

“How dare you, calling me by my middle name!” said Cinderella with a slap to my face. “It’ll be five lashings and a week in the dungeon for you, miss.”

As sad and lonely as it was, my week in the dungeon was not wasted. I found an old book of spells, and I cast a curse on the horrible princess, which could only be broken with an apology.

The next time Cinderella saw me, she didn’t see a poor servant. Instead, she saw a free woman sitting in her powder room, wearing one of her dresses.

“Oh, my dear Cinderella, wash the curtains, scrub the floors, and then prepare dinner, will you?” I said, blowing my golden fingernails dry. “I’m off to see the magistrate to take care of some family business.”

Cinderella nodded with confusion as I removed a sack of coins from her safe.

I pointed at two female attendants that stood by my side.

“Listen to your stepsisters while I’m gone — and please, stop sharing with them any more fancy stories filled with wishful thinking,” I said. “When I return, I don’t want to hear any nonsense about a prince coming to save you. It’s going to take more than that to get you out of this mess, my dear.”

“Like what?” said Cinderella.

I was astounded that she needed me to explain.

“How about an apology?” I said. “For the way you’ve treated your servants?”

“Just awful,” said one attendant.

“The worst,” said the other.

“An apology?” said Cinderella. “To you? For stealing my life? I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous!”

She stormed off to do her chores.

I gazed at the attendants.

“It’s hard to feel sorry for someone like that, isn’t it?” I said. “However, I do feel sorry for any prince who has the misfortune of meeting her.”

 

Psychopath Strawberry

Psychopath Strawberry

Mom was a scientist.

One day, she became sick with the flu.

While she was sick with the flu, a fellow scientist, Larry, made a toxic fume. The toxic fume drove Larry and the other scientists in the lab crazy.

So much for trying to cure cancer … now Larry and the other mad scientists wanted to develop new ways of hurting people!

“We’re going to get rich!” Larry said during a conference call with Mom. “Get well and get back to the lab ASAP, so you can help us screw up the world!”

The plan was to sell a batch of ice cream that tasted like strawberry but was filled with the toxic fume so it would make everyone who eats it crazy, too.

It was all wrong.

“You’ve got to stop him!” Mom said to me.

She was in bed with a high fever.

“How?” I said.

She sneezed, coughed up mucous, and blew her runny nose into a tissue.

“Here, take this,” she said, waving the dirty tissue. “Spread my snot around the lab. Then, steal a sample of the toxic fume. Bring it to me … I’ll take it from there.”

“Okay,” I said, wondering what Mom was thinking. I still struggled to cook macaroni and cheese. Saving the world seemed out of my league.

I put on one of Mom’s dresses and a pair of sunglasses. I fixed up my hair. tossed on her lab coat and grabbed her badge off the night stand.

I looked myself over in her mirror.

“You’re my spitting image,” Mom said with a snotty laugh. “Good luck, dear.”

*

I ditched my bike outside the lab and flashed Mom’s badge at a guy sitting behind the front desk.

“Welcome back, Dolores,” he said with a weird grin. “How are you feeling?”

I read the name on his badge: Larry!

“Better,” I said, trying to act like Mom. “I just need … coffee … to perk me up.”

“We have a fresh pot brewing in the break room,” he said, pointing that direction. “Grab a cup, then meet me in the lab. I want to tell you about our new line of ice cream. We’re going to call it Psychopath Strawberry!”

“Cool name,” I said. “I’m sure a lot of people will love it.”

“That’s the idea!” Larry said with his weird grin.

In the break room, I took out Mom’s dirty tissue from my pocket. I dripped some of the snot into the coffee pot. I also rubbed the dirty tissue along the rims of some clean cups, as Mom suggested.

I filled one of the cups with coffee and started roaming around the lab with a weird grin on my face, like Larry and the other mad scientists. Everyone seemed happy to see me.

“Our star has returned!” someone yelled. “Now we’ll really shake up the dessert market!”

Finally, I found a sample of the toxic fume. I stuffed it into my lab coat.

It was time to escape from this creepy place.

I turned a corner in the hallway. Larry stood before me.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” he said with his weird grin.

I had to think fast.

“Yes!” I said, handing him the cup of coffee. “This is for you. I have to go home. Now my daughter has the flu! Good luck selling your insane ice cream. You should add cashews, to make it nuttier.”

“Great thinking!” Larry said with a wild laugh. “I love the way your mind works, Dolores! Maybe you should take a batch of Psychopath Strawberry home to your daughter. It might make her feel better …”

“Another time, maybe,” I said. “Gotta run!”

*

At home, Mom felt better.

“I’m so glad you made it home quickly,” she said, hugging me. “How’d it go?”

I gave her the sample.

“Perfect,” she said, stuffing it into her purse. “Tomorrow, at work, I know just what to do.”

*

The next day, Mom called me from the lab.

I was in bed sick with the flu.

So were the other scientists who worked at the lab. Even Larry was stuck at home with a fever.

“It’s been so peaceful and quiet around here,” Mom said, “plenty of time to figure out a cure for the toxic fume. I poured the cure into the air vents. My fellow scientists will return to the lab and be back to their old selves in no time. Psychopath Strawberry will be like a bad dream that never happened.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” I said in bed. “Are you and the other scientists going to keep trying to cure cancer?”

“Of course, but first I’m coming home, to cure you,” Mom said. “Would you like me to bring some ice cream?”

I laughed.

“Sure,” I said. “Just nothing with strawberries, or nuts.”

“Deal.”

How to Spot a Demon

Demons_LI

Often, when we think of sneaky creatures, witches come to mind. We see them all the time on TV shows and in movies.

They are nasty old ladies who like to cause mischief to children with their spells.

However, people should really be scared of demons. They’re not as popular on TV shows and in movies, but they are actually out there and ready to strike!

Above is a picture with a question: Which one is a demon?

In other words, who’s really dangerous, the one on the left or the one on the right?

The one on the left IS a demon. She looks sweet and innocent when in fact she is vicious and will drown you with sorrows, especially if she casts a spell on you, like she did to the one on the right.

The one on the right looks scary with her red skin and pointy tail, but she’s actually a poor girl trapped in a demon’s body.

If you were fooled, you’re probably not alone. Remember, demons are clever!

Be smart and look for these signs of demons when you’re going about your daily business:

  • Demons disguised as people have black eyes.
  • It’s well known that demons can transform into animals, but they can also turn into plants.
  • If you see a plant with black tar on it, it’s probably a demon.
  • Beware: Demons like to bite!
  • They fight dirty, with their teeth and tails.
  • Demons love the smell of fear.
  • One way to keep demons away is to overcome your worst fear.
  • Most important: Demons hate hugs!

Blackhound: An Origin Story

Blackhound

Life isn’t always cotton candy and rainbows.

I have proof.

One day I heard a scratch on my bedroom window. I opened it, and a wolf leaped out of the bushes and scratched my hand! I ran to my mom, crying, but there was nothing she could do. The wolf was gone, and I started to change.

By the time I was 11, I grew wolf ears; by the time I was 12, wolf fangs. It didn’t take long to figure out I was a werewolf. As the rage grew in my veins, I grew stronger.

One morning, I put on a hoodie as usual and went to school. I sat in my seat, but behind me was a girl who hated me. In front of the class, she pulled off my hoodie!

The teacher saw my snout and called 9-1-1. The police arrived. They saw me, but I guess they were scared, because they called the military.

Five Years Later

I am trapped in a military weapon center. My blood is used for rocket fuel.

One day, a terrorist bombed the center where I have been imprisoned to take the military’s guns. In the process, the terrorist freed me.

I was never heard from again, or so people around the world thought.

One Year Later

Now I live under a tree in tunnels that include an over-sized computer, a kitchen, video games, and a hot tub. It’s pretty cool, even if it is a bit lonely at times. I visit my family at night under the cover of the moon. That way, the military doesn’t know we keep in touch and leaves them alone.

Recently, I was inside a convenience store buying Cheetos when I saw a bad guy waving a gun and yelling at the checkout clerk. The bad guy wanted the store’s money, but the clerk refused to give it.

Luckily, my fur camouflaged me with the wall.

The bad guy shot. I sprang from the wall and caught the bullet with my teeth.

I tripped the bad guy as he tried to run away.

While I pinned him to the ground, he looked up at me and asked, “Who are you?”

I didn’t want to give myself away, so I made up a name.

“I’m … Ms. Black.”

“Well … you don’t strike me as a miss … but you are dark … and besides, you look more like a hound,” he said —

I saw fear growing in his veins.

“You’re that werewolf!”

“I sure am, so call me Blackhound,” I said.

He swallowed.

“… yes … sir.”

Ever since then, I have gained respect from people around the world for helping them when they’re in trouble. Bad things might have happened to me, but I make sure better things happen to others.