What Cats Do When People Aren’t Watching

Shiva having coffee

Ever wonder what cats do when people are asleep or away from home? I know many of the things they do because I’m a cat.

Yeah, that’s right, I can type, too … begwlfhwelijfiekhfahfl!

Right now, I’m sipping my person’s coffee. She’s going to be so mad! Anywho, here’s the story about what I did yesterday.

I got a message from the mail mouse. Mail mice are the only ones we don’t chase … sometimes. All right, I chase them all the time! Well, let’s get back to the story. After he escaped, I read the letter which told me to go to the Chatsworth Cat Complaint Office (behind the sushi restaurant down the street). My person left a few minutes ago, so I dashed out of the cat door and down the road.

I was tired when I finally arrived at the Cat Complaint Office. A cat with white fur and green eyes sat behind a laptop (she probably took it from her owner).

“Any complaints?” she asked.

A cat with a blue collar raised her paw.

“How will we defeat the evil red dot? It zigzags all over the place. It has to be planning something!”

The white cat made a note.

“Any other questions, or complaints?”

A cat stepped forward.

“How will we save the people trapped inside the rectangle and controlled by the stick with buttons?”

I looked around and asked, “Where’s Pepper?”

The white cat sighed.

“She was taken to … the vet.”

A kitten fainted as we all gasped.

The white cat said, “I know, the vets are evil! Sorry, it’s the end of today’s cat complaint session. I’ll share your concerns with Mayor Fluffy Pants.”

As I trotted back to the house, some animal rescue people started to chase me. I checked my neck for my collar, but it wasn’t there! Just then, my person drove by without noticing me. I jumped onto the back of the car and waited for it to park. Then, I carefully hopped off and went into the neighbor’s yard. I climbed on the gate, went through the window and landed on the bed.

My owner came into the room.

“Were you sleeping here all day? Don’t worry, I’ll take you out for a walk …”

Nooooo!

Now you know one of the things cats do when people aren’t watching. They complain to Mayor Fluffy Pants.

Sorry to those cats reading this. (Cats can read, too).

I just couldn’t keep the news to myself any longer!

“Who drank my coffee?!”

Got to go, bye!

Cat Wars: The Battle for El Queso

Cat Wars Battle For El Queso pic

“Snack time!” says the Supreme Leader.

“I sense a disturbance in the Force,” says Darth Feline, rising up from his seat on the living room couch. The whiskers of the fearsome calico twitch as he sniffs the air. “Hmmmm … cheese … yummy.”

Darth Feline hops from the couch and dashes toward the kitchen. There, he finds the Supreme Leader making a phone call.

“Let’s re-schedule next week, Mom,” says she, her tall legs nearly tripping over her house pet.

“Meow!” hollers Darth Feline, barely avoiding her foot to his mouth.

“Oh, sorry, Darth!” says the Supreme Leader, reaching down and petting him behind his ears.

Darth Feline enjoys a brief consolation rub, and then the Overlord exits the kitchen.

Alone, the calico sighs. He leaps onto a chair and peers over the tabletop. Unfortunately, he is not alone. His rival, Luke Mousy, stands proudly on a chunk of cheese.

“Paws off, Jedi!” Darth Feline hisses. “I won’t fall for another one of your mind tricks!”

“Of course you will, you always do,” says Luke Mousy, scooping a piece of cheese and popping it into his mouth. “How can you resist? I stand for truth, justice … and delicious morsels!”

“In that case, maybe I’ll enjoy two tasty treats today,” says Darth Feline, drawing his red lightsaber, peering closely at the house mouse. “Fine, let’s do things your way … the hard way.”

”Isn’t there a cheesy way?” says Luke Mousy, drawing his green lightsaber. “I’d love to do it that way!”

“Not for you, squeaky thief!” says Darth Feline, swinging.

Luke Mousy flips off of the chunk of cheese and lands on the tabletop. He slices off one of Darth Feline’s whiskers.

“Ahhhh!” hollers Darth Feline, falling off the chair onto the floor.

The feisty cat and mouse embark on an epic rumble, sending themselves and kitchen appliances to all corners of the galaxy.

At last, Luke Mousy retreats to his rebel base, a hole in the wall. Before he disappears into the darkness, he hears a scream. He turns to see the Supreme Leader looming over Darth Feline, scolding him with a pointy finger.

“What happened in here?” she shouts. “This place is a mess! Why can’t I ever leave you alone with food?”

Darth Feline raises his paws helplessly.

“Meow,” he says.

Luke Mousy grins as he licks a crumb of cheese from his claws.

He loves getting Darth Feline in trouble.

Cat Wars: The Battle of the Milky Way

 

Cat Wars pic 1

In a feline domain far, far away, two rival cats are up to their old tricks.

Jedi Yarny is strutting down the aisle of the mother ship (a.k.a., the living room) when a ball of yarn rolls past him.

“The Force has awakened my favorite knot of red string,” says he with widened eyes. “Maybe I should play with it?”

Jedi Yarny pounces on the ball, and as he wrestles with the string, he hears a loud, “BEEP – BEEP – BEEP …”

“Oh, no, it’s a bomb!” he meows.

“No, sir,” says a Storm Trooper mouse appearing from its hideout behind Mother Snoke’s throne (a.k.a., the couch). “It’s just the tea kettle sounding off. Your milk is ready.”

“Of course,” says Jedi Yarny. He tosses the ball of yarn aside and prances out of the living room with a raised tail.

Inside the kitchen, a bowl of warm milk awaits the Jedi knight kitty along with his nemesis, Sith Purr.

“I hope you enjoy this concoction I asked Mother Snoke to prepare for you,” says Sith Purr with a smirk.

“Hmmmm … looks tasty,” says Jedi Yarny. “How gracious of you — a rare treat.”

“Indeed, Jedi.”

Sith Yarny sips the milk and is quickly overcome with gas.

“What’s this?!” he howls.

“Just some whole milk to throw off your bowels,” says Sith Purr. “Ha, ha, ha! Haven’t you heard? Jedi cats should only drink skim milk.”

“How dare you betray my butt!” hisses Jedi Yarny as he farts his way to the lavatory (a.k.a., litter box). “This Force never ends … ahhh … diarrhea!”

*

A few days later …

Jedi Yarny watches his plan unfold from the rebel’s outpost (a.k.a., the love seat). Sith Purr naps by his side.

Through the window, Jedi Yarny sees the deliveryman arrive.

“Just in time,” says the feline.

Jedi Yarny watches Mother Snoke unpack a scratching post. When she is finished, she returns to her master’s chamber.

Jedi Yarny fumbles through the closet. He adds a secret surprise to his rival’s present.

“Rise and shine, my Sith overlord,” says Jedi Yarny as his nemesis awakens. “The Force bears you a gift.”

“A scratching post, yippie!” says his lordship, tackling the furniture piece. As he tumbles on top, a light dusting of itching powder rises into the air, smothering the Sith kitty.

“Wait … what’s this?!” his lordship yowls, scratching himself silly.

“A little something to remind you who loves you, my friend,” says Jedi Yarny with a grin. “Now, we’re even.”

“More like even … for now!” Sith Purr hisses as he retreats into Mother Snoke’s chamber.

*

Stay tuned for the next episode of Cat Wars, featuring Luke Mousey and Darth Feline in “The Battle of the Cheese.”

 

Cinderella Lies

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Imagine a world where princesses aren’t what they seem, and life is far from a fairy tale.

For example, Cinderella. According to the popular legend, she was a victim of abuse by a cruel stepmother and stepsisters, but what if I told you Cinderella wasn’t mistreated by anyone whom she herself didn’t mistreat?

What if I told you Cinderella never really fell in love with anyone, either, especially a prince?

The truth is, Cinderella only loved herself.

After her mother died, she gladly stepped into her mother’s shoes ordering around the servants.

I was one of them. One day, I dared to ask for a day off.

“My dear Cinderella, I have toiled away for you as long as I remember, preparing your meals, washing your clothes and tending to your needs, even while neglecting the needs of my own children,” I said while painting her nails in the powder room. “My husband cares for my son and daughter as well as he can, but my darlings are growing up fast, you see, and I miss them so … so … so might I spend tomorrow with my family, oh pretty pleeeeeeease?”

“And neglect me?” said Cinderella, blowing her golden fingernails dry. “Oh, poor you, how dreary life must be! Torn between your duties as a servant and impulses as a mother. Let me end your suffering –”

“Thank you!” I said, kissing her hand.

“Don’t thank me yet,” she said, yanking her hand from me. “I’ll be back soon.”

Cinderella withdrew a sack of coins from her safe and left by carriage to town. When she returned, I met her in the foyer.

I stood shocked as she explained that she had arranged with the local magistrate for my children to be thrown into prison.

“Problem solved!” said Cinderella, brushing her hands of the issue. “You never have to worry about those meddlesome ankle-biters again! They will have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, and your husband can live a life of leisure, which I’m sure he deserves, having suffered you and your lot plenty.”

Cinderella chuckled.

“Perhaps now he can marry a woman of standing, like me,” she said, “and you can focus your attention on us.”

My heart filled with anguish; my head, dizziness. I felt like a sack of dirt ready to fall to the floor.

“But … but … such a life, separated from my family, is not why I toil here in this mansion!” I cried. “I toil so that my family and I might have a better life, together. How dare you come between us … you … you … cruel snickerdoodle!”

“How dare you, calling me by my middle name!” said Cinderella with a slap to my face. “It’ll be five lashings and a week in the dungeon for you, miss.”

As sad and lonely as it was, my week in the dungeon was not wasted. I found an old book of spells, and I cast a curse on the horrible princess, which could only be broken with an apology.

The next time Cinderella saw me, she didn’t see a poor servant. Instead, she saw a free woman sitting in her powder room, wearing one of her dresses.

“Oh, my dear Cinderella, wash the curtains, scrub the floors, and then prepare dinner, will you?” I said, blowing my golden fingernails dry. “I’m off to see the magistrate to take care of some family business.”

Cinderella nodded with confusion as I removed a sack of coins from her safe.

I pointed at two female attendants that stood by my side.

“Listen to your stepsisters while I’m gone — and please, stop sharing with them any more fancy stories filled with wishful thinking,” I said. “When I return, I don’t want to hear any nonsense about a prince coming to save you. It’s going to take more than that to get you out of this mess, my dear.”

“Like what?” said Cinderella.

I was astounded that she needed me to explain.

“How about an apology?” I said. “For the way you’ve treated your servants?”

“Just awful,” said one attendant.

“The worst,” said the other.

“An apology?” said Cinderella. “To you? For stealing my life? I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous!”

She stormed off to do her chores.

I gazed at the attendants.

“It’s hard to feel sorry for someone like that, isn’t it?” I said. “However, I do feel sorry for any prince who has the misfortune of meeting her.”

 

Chapter 4: Uncle Jake’s Visit

 

Doom Clown princess

Jack and Ryan were concerned because Uncle Jake was coming to visit, and they didn’t want Doom Clown to ruin their fun with him.

There was a knock on the door.

“Hey, kids, guess who?”

It was Uncle Jake!

Behind the door, Doom Clown stood with a knife, ready to surprise him.

Jack opened the door, and the two brothers quickly dragged Jake through the living room into their bedroom closet.

“Well, I’m glad to see you guys, too, but you hurt my arm … and how about a hug? And what’s with all the secrecy?”

“Shush!” Jack said. “Sorry about the arm, and here’s a hug.”

Both boys embraced their uncle.

“But we’ve got a problem,” Ryan said. “There’s a homicidal clown running around the house, and we need you to help us stop him!”

At that moment, there was a scream.

Autumn, the boys’ little sister, was in trouble. Or so they thought.

They ran to her bedroom and found Doom Clown, seated at her bureau, screaming like a girl.

Autumn was putting makeup on him, making him look like a princess.

Doom Clown looked pretty. And terrified.

“Now’s our chance!” Jack said. “Go for it, Uncle!”

Jake hesitated.

“Well, this isn’t really my style, but she is kind of cute … hey, lady, are you single?”

“What?” Ryan said. “This ain’t no time for shenanigans … Get him!”

“That’s a HIM?” Jake said.

“Yes, and he’s a maniac!” Jack said. “Stop him!”

“Fat chance, suckers!” Doom Clown said.

He pressed a button on his watch and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

“Oh, no, he escaped!” Ryan said.

“Ha, ha, ha!” Doom Clown said.

But when the smoke cleared, they realized he hadn’t escaped at all.

He was stuck. In the mirror.

“Oh, no!” said Doom Clown. “I must have pressed the wrong button on this darn watch …”

“Lucky us,” Jake said. “Looks like we get the last laugh, after all.”

“Maybe, this time,” said Doom Clown.

The mirror swirled in smoke and his face faded in the darkness.

“But I’ll be back … I’LL BE BACK!”

Chapter 3: The Biggest Regret

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A boy named Ryan climbed into the attic, his favorite place. On a shelf, Ryan saw a book called, Doom Clown: The Worst Joker.

“Read me,” said a voice coming from the book.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“If you say ‘Doom Clown’ three times, I will be free and yours to read and make you laugh foreverrrr and everrrr.”

Ryan ran downstairs to his brother Jack’s bedroom to tell him what happened.

Jack said, “I bet that clown’s not very funny. Say his name three times, and let’s see what happens.”

Ryan said, “No, you!”

“Fine, scaredy cat,” Jack said, and he repeated ‘Doom Clown’ three times.

They heard a thump in the attic, and then a scratch on the door.

Jack opened the door, and there was Doom Clown, with a scary smile.

“Thanks, little boys!” he said. “Come closer, and give me a hug!”

Jack and Ryan screamed and ran.

Chapter 1: Doom Clown Lives

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Once there was a Good Clown who entertained boys and girls at birthday parties, but deep down he had a bad side. One day while looking himself in the mirror, Good Clown accidentally summoned the monster in himself.

The monster was Doom Clown, and he said, “How you doing, old friend?! You wanna play?”

Good Clown said, “No?!”

But Doom Clown refused to be turned down.

“Let’s play anyway!” Doom Clown said, and he tossed Good Clown into the closet and locked him in there, or so he thought.

Then Doom Clown went to a birthday party. He said to the kids, “Time to die!”

He started running after them, trying to fart on their heads so their heads would pop off, because his farts were so gross.

Then Doom Clown had to pee, so he went to the bathroom. Good Clown used the opportunity to take control again.

“I am good, l am good, l am good!” said the face in the mirror.

Then Doom Clown got stuck in the mirror.

The end.

Maybe.