#humor

What Cats Do When People Aren’t Watching

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Shiva having coffee

Ever wonder what cats do when people are asleep or away from home? I know many of the things they do because I’m a cat.

Yeah, that’s right, I can type, too … begwlfhwelijfiekhfahfl!

Right now, I’m sipping my person’s coffee. She’s going to be so mad! Anywho, here’s the story about what I did yesterday.

I got a message from the mail mouse. Mail mice are the only mice we don’t chase … sometimes. All right, I chase them all the time! Well, let’s get back to the story. After he escaped, I read the letter which told me it was my turn to go to the Chatsworth Cat Complaint Office (behind the sushi restaurant down the street). My person left for work, so I dashed out of the cat door and down the road.

I was tired when I finally arrived at the Cat Complaint Office. A cat with white fur and green eyes sat behind a laptop (she probably took it from her owner).

“Any complaints?” she asked.

A cat with a blue collar raised her paw.

“How will we defeat the evil red dot? It zigzags all over the place. It has to be planning something!”

The white cat made a note.

“Any other questions, or complaints?”

A cat stepped forward.

“How will we save the people trapped inside the rectangle box in the living room who are controlled by the stick with buttons?”

I looked around and asked, “Where’s Pepper?”

The white cat sighed.

“She was taken to … the vet.”

A kitten fainted as we all gasped.

The white cat said, “I know, the vets are scary! Sorry, it’s the end of today’s cat complaint session. I’ll share your concerns with Mayor Fluffy Pants.”

I guess I would have to complain about the lack of cat coffee shops in town another time. As I trotted back to the house, some animal rescue people started to chase me. I checked my neck for my collar, but it wasn’t there! Just then, my person drove by without noticing me. I jumped onto the back of the car and waited for it to park. Then, I carefully hopped off and went into the neighbor’s yard. I climbed on the gate, went through the window and landed on the bed, exhausted.

My owner came into the room.

“Were you sleeping here all day, lazy? Don’t worry, I’ll take you out for a walk …”

Nooooo!

Now you know one of the things cats do when people aren’t watching. They complain to Mayor Fluffy Pants.

Sorry to those cats reading this. (Cats can read, too).

I just couldn’t keep the news to myself any longer!

“Who drank my coffee?!”

Got to go, bye!

Cat Wars: The Battle for El Queso

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Cat Wars Battle For El Queso pic

“Snack time!” says the Supreme Leader.

“I sense a disturbance in the Force,” says Darth Feline, rising up from his seat on the living room couch. The whiskers of the fearsome calico twitch as he sniffs the air. “Hmmmm … cheese … yummy.”

Darth Feline hops from the couch and dashes toward the kitchen. There, he finds the Supreme Leader making a phone call.

“Let’s re-schedule next week, Mom,” says she, her tall legs nearly tripping over her house pet.

“Meow!” hollers Darth Feline, barely avoiding her foot to his mouth.

“Oh, sorry, Darth!” says the Supreme Leader, reaching down and petting him behind his ears.

Darth Feline enjoys a brief consolation rub, and then the Overlord exits the kitchen.

Alone, the calico sighs. He leaps onto a chair and peers over the tabletop. Unfortunately, he is not alone. His rival, Luke Mousy, stands proudly on a chunk of cheese.

“Paws off, Jedi!” Darth Feline hisses. “I won’t fall for another one of your mind tricks!”

“Of course you will, you always do,” says Luke Mousy, scooping a piece of cheese and popping it into his mouth. “How can you resist? I stand for truth, justice … and delicious morsels!”

“In that case, maybe I’ll enjoy two tasty treats today,” says Darth Feline, drawing his red lightsaber, peering closely at the house mouse. “Fine, let’s do things your way … the hard way.”

”Isn’t there a cheesy way?” says Luke Mousy, drawing his green lightsaber. “I’d love to do it that way!”

“Not for you, squeaky thief!” says Darth Feline, swinging.

Luke Mousy flips off of the chunk of cheese and lands on the tabletop. He slices off one of Darth Feline’s whiskers.

“Ahhhh!” hollers Darth Feline, falling off the chair onto the floor.

The feisty cat and mouse embark on an epic rumble, sending themselves and kitchen appliances to all corners of the galaxy.

At last, Luke Mousy retreats to his rebel base, a hole in the wall. Before he disappears into the darkness, he hears a scream. He turns to see the Supreme Leader looming over Darth Feline, scolding him with a pointy finger.

“What happened in here?” she shouts. “This place is a mess! Why can’t I ever leave you alone with food?”

Darth Feline raises his paws helplessly.

“Meow,” he says.

Luke Mousy grins as he licks a crumb of cheese from his claws.

He loves getting Darth Feline in trouble.

Blackhound: An Origin Story

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Blackhound

Life isn’t always cotton candy and rainbows.

I have proof.

One day I heard a scratch on my bedroom window. I opened it, and a wolf leaped out of the bushes and scratched my hand! I ran to my mom, crying, but there was nothing she could do. The wolf was gone, and I started to change.

By the time I was 11, I grew wolf ears; by the time I was 12, wolf fangs. It didn’t take long to figure out I was a werewolf. As the rage grew in my veins, I grew stronger.

One morning, I put on a hoodie as usual and went to school. I sat in my seat, but behind me was a girl who hated me. In front of the class, she pulled off my hoodie!

The teacher saw my snout and called 9-1-1. The police arrived. They saw me, but I guess they were scared, because they called the military.

Five Years Later

I am trapped in a military weapon center. My blood is used for rocket fuel.

One day, a terrorist bombed the center where I have been imprisoned to take the military’s guns. In the process, the terrorist freed me.

I was never heard from again, or so people around the world thought.

One Year Later

Now I live under a tree in tunnels that include an over-sized computer, a kitchen, video games, and a hot tub. It’s pretty cool, even if it is a bit lonely at times. I visit my family at night under the cover of the moon. That way, the military doesn’t know we keep in touch and leaves them alone.

Recently, I was inside a convenience store buying Cheetos when I saw a bad guy waving a gun and yelling at the checkout clerk. The bad guy wanted the store’s money, but the clerk refused to give it.

Luckily, my fur camouflaged me with the wall.

The bad guy shot. I sprang from the wall and caught the bullet with my teeth.

I tripped the bad guy as he tried to run away.

While I pinned him to the ground, he looked up at me and asked, “Who are you?”

I didn’t want to give myself away, so I made up a name.

“I’m … Ms. Black.”

“Well … you don’t strike me as a miss … but you are dark … and besides, you look more like a hound,” he said —

I saw fear growing in his veins.

“You’re that werewolf!”

“I sure am, so call me Blackhound,” I said.

He swallowed.

“… yes … sir.”

Ever since then, I have gained respect from people around the world for helping them when they’re in trouble. Bad things might have happened to me, but I make sure better things happen to others.

Chapter 4: Uncle Jake’s Visit

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Doom Clown princess

Jack and Ryan were concerned because Uncle Jake was coming to visit, and they didn’t want Doom Clown to ruin their fun with him.

There was a knock on the door.

“Hey, kids, guess who?”

It was Uncle Jake!

Behind the door, Doom Clown stood with a knife, ready to surprise him.

Jack opened the door, and the two brothers quickly dragged Jake through the living room into their bedroom closet.

“Well, I’m glad to see you guys, too, but you hurt my arm … and how about a hug? And what’s with all the secrecy?”

“Shush!” Jack said. “Sorry about the arm, and here’s a hug.”

Both boys embraced their uncle.

“But we’ve got a problem,” Ryan said. “There’s a homicidal clown running around the house, and we need you to help us stop him!”

At that moment, there was a scream.

Autumn, the boys’ little sister, was in trouble. Or so they thought.

They ran to her bedroom and found Doom Clown, seated at her bureau, screaming like a girl.

Autumn was putting makeup on him, making him look like a princess.

Doom Clown looked pretty. And terrified.

“Now’s our chance!” Jack said. “Go for it, Uncle!”

Jake hesitated.

“Well, this isn’t really my style, but she is kind of cute … hey, lady, are you single?”

“What?” Ryan said. “This ain’t no time for shenanigans … Get him!”

“That’s a HIM?” Jake said.

“Yes, and he’s a maniac!” Jack said. “Stop him!”

“Fat chance, suckers!” Doom Clown said.

He pressed a button on his watch and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

“Oh, no, he escaped!” Ryan said.

“Ha, ha, ha!” Doom Clown said.

But when the smoke cleared, they realized he hadn’t escaped at all.

He was stuck. In the mirror.

“Oh, no!” said Doom Clown. “I must have pressed the wrong button on this darn watch …”

“Lucky us,” Jake said. “Looks like we get the last laugh, after all.”

“Maybe, this time,” said Doom Clown.

The mirror swirled in smoke and his face faded in the darkness.

“But I’ll be back … I’LL BE BACK!”